kantuck-nadie

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(takes the needle off the record.) Sorry Bob, Shane, and Dave. I can't go To Morrow, The train's already a mile down the track.

Now Jonn Serrie said the Stars will go with you instead. So anyway...on to my next journey.

Awoke today, with an interesting dream

Mother was there in the old house. Sitting on the old couch. We had a discussion, although the details is somewhat fuzzy as most chimera are. But I can clearly remember asking "I can remember father telling the doctor to put you in the morgue, until we can deal with it, then picking out a coffin, a UK blue one, then putting you in the ground, then...

6 months later, you walked in that door hale and hearty. and here you've been all this time, so -- what's going on?"


Strange yes.

When I awoke, I had vague feeling that this wasn't the first dream I've had in this theme.

Now reoccurring dreams as well as lucid, and lets say more...frightening dreams and sleep disturbances is not new to me. I've had some dream themes that lasted [I]decades[/i] (like 'Ancient cat') but one thing that reoccurs. Once I realize what I'm having and analyze it, I know then it's a dream and it stops.

I know or suspect but I'll share this with my therapist is that finally my unconscious is accepting that she's gone. It was trying to make sense of what had happen, and I was still having problems still believing she was gone. At times in discussion with myself I would say "I still can't believe she's gone. I thought father would be the first, since she had those Leforge long-life genes." (One of my uncles was 108 when he passed, and my grandfather of the same family was 89)

 As I said before [I]I hadn't had time to grieve[/I]. As soon as she was buried, I was burning though my savings I built for my home and had to find work. That, and the stress of 2018, and 2019 suppressed much of the process.

One person on an ADhD forum said I was in 'survival mode' which is why my memories of those two years is spotty at best with large gaps. I [I]wasn't recording, since there was more things to worry about[/I]

I said in my last journal that I've moved on. Ma is gone, so is Thunder, and I have my 2nd lightning rod, Ember.

It just took another part of me to finally accept it too.

Thank you Goodwill for stabilizing my life. That's two I owe you now.

I think I'm closer to putting all this into one of my stories.

Well, to quote the Queen of England,

And did you think this fool could never win
Well, look at me, I'm a-coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
And I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah

(with apologies to the great Sir Elton John -- Giggle)

After my final loss in 2019, (outlined here: www.furaffinity.net/journal/93…) just as I thought, I lost my lightning rod that kept me here and slipped into a wonderful little problem that makes me pull away. I've been stressed out terribly from November to Jan and all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and cry with my little girl.

It took me till January to find another job and to be honest. I was running right to the edge of a razor with my savings. My last $150 kept in a desperate race to keep my head above water, and help feed my little girl. Thankfully a company came to my rescue and although part time work I made over $250 from them in a week which helped a bit. But finally I got a job with Goodwill -- one I'd wanted since after Dairy Queen.

FINALLY I got a job that supports my own values, is a good place, and isn't killing me. I'm 2.5km from Goodwill, which means I can actually walk to it if needed. It has reasonable hours since they close at 8p, and I'm 40 hours.

Goodwill supports my values of helping others, protecting the mother, liberal with policies and the staff is excellent. Also the people in the store tend to be friendly. Although a few (cough) needs to learn about hygiene.

I have 5 official jobs: Material handler which prices and tosses or puts out 'wares' (anything other than clothing), take in donations, sort and process donations, take out the trash, and clothes bailer, (only one outside of management allowed to operate 'the beast')

Within 2 weeks I get my forklift training adding another $1 to my hourly pay, and already I'm asking about being a certified 'grader' of wares. My strengths are art, astronomy, and computers and already I'm helping in that department. They come to me with a computer questions. I'm also asking if I can be trained for the cash register. Again another rise.

Right now I make about $575 every 2 weeks (ug, I HATE a biweekly pay schedule) so I can live and start to advance at least.

With a stability I sorely needed, I'm able to think, and have a specific plan. First off, as much stress as I was put under in 2018, 2019 was just as bad because of the terrible terror of being broke and under no circumstances do I ever wish that again! So I'm

a) Getting my sales-person license ASAP. (I actually will try for the test at the end of March, and I'm in hard study now.)

b) I'm working on my Real-estate appraisal license too. I need to finish a bunch of appraisal logs for the commission, study for the test.

But due to the unknown of what is required, do I need a BA, or not? It's been up in the air for 2 years , I'm going to try and finish this pain under the tail finally. I'm going to ask my physiology professor if she knows of any accredited schools that will let me finish this all on-line. With a BA that means I for filled my promise to my mother and the only barrier to getting my certified real-estate appraiser's license is that god-awful test!

I have no real choice in the matter. I can stay with Goodwill for the rest of my life, but I run a risk of layoff or firing if something goes bad, and I will not allow that.

At the moment I'm paying off outstanding bills, and rebuilding my special savings I call the 'funds'. This is money backed up for things I have to pay for. During my time with Tyson it certainly worked out, for I was able to pay my final car tax, and insurance with that but I had $1.50 left before Goodwill. But now I'm going to get 2 years backed up. It's only $1,000 a year -- easily saved with my salary, about 3 paychecks or so.

But I'm not sitting on my laurels. I'm already in talks with both Raymond James, and Edward Jones about helping me invest and rebuilding my credit score. I have a $4,000 money mutual with Raymond that would have kept me going probably another 6 months if I hadn't gotten into Goodwill but run a risk then a major medical with my little girl. I'm not looking to get rich, but safe and comfortable, and I really have to rebuild.

Thankfully with Goodwill's medical plan, that saves me $140 a month on medical insurance. Not having Thunder's bills also cut out around $90 a month, and Goodwill paying 25% of my phone bill helps even more. I'm now going to get all my doctors, dentists, and optometrists on this plan and get all I need done in a week. I need new glasses especially encase I break these. I'm so blind without such, I can't drive. The problem of being a voracious reader as a fawn

With the security of Goodwill now, suddenly all that stress was over and a remarkable transformation has been coming. Just as my therapist suggested, once I'm stable, with my medication, away from my mother's manipulations, and keeping 'in the closet' the true doe I held back so long is coming forth. I don't have to worry about being outed to my parents, I have no obligations to a GF or BF, and all I have to answer too is me.

My 'fawn' that's been long surpassed is coming out finally. I have such an urge to just play with dolls again, get legos and build them, back with scale-model building, doing research, have an aquarium, terrarium -- Hedley Lamarr:could I even dare a dream of a vivarium? Bart: Dare! Dare! So honestly. I don't care about life anymore. in public I'm the doe making money and doing what I can to advance and finally fulfill my dream. In private I'm a fawn and I'm happy with that.

I know also -- I'm letting go of the past. No more thinking of 'what could I have done' or ' if only things was different' Ma's gone, Thunder is too. I'm stable now, a good job, a little girl who loves hiking as much as I, and when I get my house, my ex and I are getting back together in it. He's retired, his wife is gone and I couldn't think of anyone I'd want to live with me anymore.

I just wish I was a lot closer now. I want this to end! But it's time.

For here I accidentally hit the 'nuke everything' and wiped all replies and new watchers (sighs) That's too dangerous! But I do pray that  Jessica.Reiland is doing ok now. Honey you've had a horrid time but yet you keep smiling though all of it. I take inspiration from you so you keep fighting tooth and claw!

For all my new watchers (I seemed to remember there was 7) welcome to my account.

Lastly as I thought with the stress over, my muse is now coming back chattering up a storm. She wants me to write, and I've got several in the works already. I borrowed $200 from my ex and took a risk and got into a writing class and already it's helping me finish writing one story that's 7 years old. It showed me all sorts of things I did wrong and how to fix it and it's working. Soon, probably in a couple of weeks I'll post 'Cogito, Ergo, Sum" I also have three new ones in mind and also finishing up several that's been held back.

There is one final thing; I maybe writing a blog finally. With my research I'm doing into Appalachian Mythology, Legends, Folklore, and Crypids, of both European and native-Americans in Appalachia I thought I'd share it. The writing class has a non-fiction writing course in it, which I think will help a lot for this. If I do start, I'll give you a link. I even have an idea of publishing this into books!

So that's it. I'm back going to be busy but I haven't died just ... lost it for a bit.

Thank everyone who wrote and asked what had happen to me, I'm sorry it took so long.

A door has been opened, and I’m having to deal with something I didn’t want to do but now…

First my first post:

kantuck.tumblr.com/post/188701…

That post helped. Helped a great deal.

I heard a quote once long ago

“The reaper causes pain, yes. But he also takes away pain.”

This also points out just that, and puts me back on the right path.

But also it’s not damned fair. 16 years ago I brought home this black lab when it’s former owner passed on. I remember so clearly our hikes, his playfulness while young. Never sick in his life.

Now…16 years later, he’s so weak I can barely get him on his paws to do his business. He can’t see, probably can’t hear well, maybe in pain. Just sleeps.

I ask…is it worth it to have relationships, companionship’s with animals knowing that your going to be hurt again? I see mother’s dog now 3 and know that in 7 years or so it’ll be the twilight of her life.  Is it fair that she won’t live as long as I? I’ll go though my own life without her by my side? To make the cycle start again?

I’m not a theologian, I’m just some dumb hillbilly who is unsure about a lot of things.

Then…

I just finished watching The Flash “There will be blood” www.cwtv.com/shows/the-flas…

It’s what I needed.

I’m going to have to say goodbye to Thunder, soon.

I watched the exchange between Barry, and Joe, and kept seeing Thunder and I; He being the Flash, I being joe.

Barry told Joe that above all, Joe was the one who made him what he was. How he could be a hero, accept that he was going to die. all because of Joe.

He said that if it wasn’t for Joe, he’d never be the Flash, he wouldn’t have saved all those lives, had such a wonderful life.

I saw then, Thunder was telling me the same thing. If I hadn’t rescued him, became his pack alpha, there is no telling what sort of life he’d had, even if he would had one. I gave him life, and he’s had his run.

Barry said that he’ll never leave Joe, even after he was gone.

Just like Dot has never quite left me, nor has Feather. I remember them, I remember the good times. I feel Thunder would be the same way.

I think now I can finally say goodbye to him.

I see another good coming from being terminated from Tyson. I can be here for the little time I have left with my best friend and to let mother’s dog help me though this time period.  Give her what I gave Thunder.

I’ve been fighting this for two straight years and I’m tired. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I’ve been so hoping the reaper would take him first but I’m being denied that. So…it’ll be up to me. Call the vet, ask him to come by, give him the injection. Watch my best friend sleep for the final time.

Is this right? Am I doing the right thing?

Great Mystery take this weather. I need to get out into the wilds and it’s pouring. 

 4:26pm  |   URL: tmblr.co/Z3g4nb2lll3iy